real life was happening far away, in someone else’s dream
real life was happening far away, in someone else’s dream
Dear friend —
When asked what you’ve been up to, how do you answer these days?
There’s a part of me that feels like I’m in a sort of half-awake haze, repeating the same handful of activities in a not-all-there, just-plodding-along sort of manner. But oddly, time is still flying by — and suddenly I’m about to turn a year older and 2020 is about to end.
This year has felt like a sort of purgatory, all of us waiting for life to rebegin again. Yet this year has also felt transformative, all of us rethinking who we are, what we want, how to live — then going for it, fueled by necessity or desire.
So many friends have changed careers! Moved across the country! Baked up impressive quantities of delicious carbs! Learned things they’d been longing to learn for a long time!
Is nothing happening, or is everything happening?
What has changed for you in 2020? I’ve changed cars, jobs, and, several times, cities.
I’ve also started taking CBD, with strange results.
It all started with a hangover. About a month ago, when I was still in Lake Arrowhead staying in my friend Zach’s cabin, I had a glass of wine to relax on a Friday night. Problem is, these days a single drink gives me a hangover — so I suffered the entire next day.
“Why don’t you try CBD?” Zach suggested. “Then you could have something to relax you , but feel fine afterwards.”
This seemed like a good idea — so much so that a few days later, when I moved to Temecula in the midst of an especially bad bout of PMS, I went to a place called The Feel Good Store and, on the advice of the salesperson, bought a $45 bag of full-spectrum CBD pineapple gummies and immediately popped two in my mouth.
They were yummy, but even after a couple hours, I didn’t feel more relaxed. Either the pineapple rings were too weak or my PMS too powerful. So I decided I needed something stronger — and drove to Medcare Farms, an upscale dispensary in the next town over.
Walking into Medcare Farms is like walking into a Gucci store — pendant light fixtures, pristine glass cases, glossy marble floors — that smells like skunk. I bought “Soothe” (delta-8) and “Remedy” (CBD) tablinguals, plus a 3:1 CBD-THC tincture.
Once I got home I let a tablingual melt under my tongue. It was supposed to kick in with a mild high in 5-20 minutes. But I felt nothing, so I took another. By then it was my bedtime. I fell asleep, not high.
When I woke up it was 11:30 am, instead of my usual 6 am get up time. I felt heavy, fuzzy-headed. In the mirror my face looked puffy. What was happening? Was I ok? Things seemed off, but I felt chill about it. There was a part of me that chafed against the fog and lethargy, and another part of me that thought, why not relax into it?
I spent the day reading and dozing and occasionally dragging random pieces of furniture I didn’t want out of my cottage onto my porch for the proprietor to take away. I thought all the dozing would keep me from falling asleep that night, but no — at 10 pm I was out right away, and the next day I woke late again, still in a weird, passive state.
I stayed in bed. I listened to the proprietor come onto my porch to slowly carry off a lamp. She disappeared for a while, then returned with a truck to move everything else. I found listening to the moving noises comforting — like someone was being productive for me. It was like real life was happening far away, in someone else’s dream.
My friend Nitika Facetimed me. “You look like you’ve woken up from one of your long naps,” she said. “The ones that are so long that they’re not even naps, they’re sleeps.”
That evening I ate a gigantic chocolate bar for dinner. The caffeine and sugar finally kicked me out of my stupor. I got out of bed. I started making expressions with my face again.
This is me at my cottage in Temecula, awake again.
Since that experience, I’ve learned to moderate my use of cannabinoids somewhat. I now know that one CBD gummy does nothing, while two relax me but also make me super sleepy to the point I have to nap. I have not attempted the sublinguals again, for fear I’ll never wake up —
Life continues, mostly the same. I still journal when I wake up. I still go for long walks, read a lot, talk to the same people (albeit via Facetime mostly), buy tamales at farmers markets, put off dealing with the little orange light that comes on letting me know one of my car’s tires need more air, struggle with the same existential questions that come up whenever I’m writing.
What have you been up to? I want to know. Also, don’t forget to vote —
Love,
Siel
P.S. My birthday is November 1, and I’ll be celebrating all month.
P.P.S. Get the next issue of ZYZZYVA, because a story of mine is in it! The launch party for this Los Angeles issue happens Nov. 12 withCity Lights Books. I’ll be reading, and you’re invited. RSVP here.
P.P.P.S. Three links you might enjoy:
P.P.P.P.S. Recent reads starting with the book I most enjoyed: Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn, True Love by Sarah Gerard, The Vices by Lawrence Douglas, 22 Minutes of Unconditional Love by Daphne Merkin, The White Album by Joan Didion.