a strange and exhilarating frenzy
plus Truth or Consequences
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Dear friend —
When’s the last time you did something out of character?
This question assumes, of course, that you have a more or less defined sense of self, one that you believe typically does certain things, but not others. If you think of yourself as the type of person who shows up on time, for example, you might say, “Sorry, I’m never this late,” even on those occasions when you’ve most definitely shown up late. If you believe yourself to be even-keeled, you might say, “I don’t know what got into me!” after losing your cool, even though you have, almost certainly, lost your cool other times in the past.
Why do we believe some of our actions to be in character and others not, when it is we who’ve performed all of the actions? Who are we, really?
I don’t know who I am. If you asked me to describe myself, I couldn’t do so with any confidence. Depending on the day, any adjective could describe me, as could its antonym.
For example:
On the first of this month, I woke up punctually at 6 a.m. It was the first official day of my funemployment (I quit my job last month), which, as many writers are wont to do, I saw as the start of a personal writing residency. I was so motivated!
As is my character, I organized my day in strict 1-hour increments: mediate-journal-breakfast until seven, write love note until eight, write fiction until nine, and so on. In the afternoon I did a little yoga. I got my 10,000 steps in. I ordered my groceries — remembering to get BarkThins, which I’d never tried before but which L.A. writer Ben Loory had made me curious about. After dinner I did my dishes, watched exactly one hour of TV, read two hours, then went to sleep at 10 p.m.
Life continued in this neat manner until Wednesday morning. Then —
As is my character, I woke up an hour or so late. I didn’t feel like my usual breakfast — somehow the act of putting bread into the toaster and waiting for it to get delicious just seemed too taxing — so I decided: BarkThins.
I brought the bag to bed and started munching while journaling. Reader, I never finished journaling that morning. Instead, I went into a strange and exhilarating caffeine and sugar-fueled frenzy. They say an ounce of dark chocolate has only a quarter of the caffeine found in a cup of coffee — but who stops at one ounce? A single bag of BarkThins contains 4.6 ounces of “snackable chocolate,” and I’d bought two bags.
A half bag in, it suddenly felt imperative that I plan out the rest of my travel itinerary for 2021 at once! I got my laptop and started clicking around on Airbnb like a woman possessed. I opened ten tabs, twenty, thirty! I saved one Airbnb option to consider for Austin in March, then six, then twelve! I started texting my friend Lindsay in Austin for advice. I sent her one link, then a second, a sixth! “Lmk if I’m overwhelming you 😂😂” I wrote!
“I’ve got a busy workday today,” my employed friend Lindsay texted back diplomatically, “but can look at them later…. Could you email me all the links so I have them in one place?”
“Hahaha ok yes will send soon thanks!!!!” I wrote back giddily — and kept on with my rabid Airbnb “research.” By this time it was well past 10 a.m. Good thing I was funemployed! I had booked a private soak at a hot springs resort in Truth or Consequences for that day, but the appointment wasn’t until sometime in the afternoon. I chomped on more BarkThins, clicked on more links!
Around 11:20 a.m., my Macbook turned on its fan and started “thinking” a lot. I had worn it out. But I couldn’t stop! I switched to my phone! I opened the calendar and also maps! May as well slowly start getting ready for the hot springs, I thought!
This is when I discovered that my soak appointment was at 1 pm — and that Truth or Consequences was 95 minutes away.
I jumped out of bed! I popped open a still-not-unpacked suitcase and dumped out its contents looking for a bikini! Then I ran around with a tote bag collecting random things I needed: Sunscreen! Wallet! Undies! I threw in my lone remaining banana and half a bag of gummy bears — they were the only portable foods in the apartment! I brushed the BarkThins out of my teeth, threw on jeans and a shirt over the bikini, and bolted out the door!
My fuel gauge was on empty. I swerved into a gas station and, while gassing up, squeegeed the dirty windshield maniacally. Back on the road, I started speeding, which seemed totally safe because unlike in L.A., there’s very little traffic in southern New Mexico. Then I illegally overtook a slow truck, though that was an accident, I didn’t see the “Do Not Pass” sign until too late. About an hour in, buoyed by my good luck at not yet being stopped for speeding, I started speeding even more! Then I spotted a cop car sitting in wait and hit the brakes! Except this wasn’t actually a cop car but a “border patrol” car that just looked like a cop car — whew! Then I was corralled into an actual border patrol checkpoint via orange cones that forced me off the main freeway! I started freaking out that I’d be delayed but then then the guy in uniform just waved me through!
At last, I pulled into a parking spot at the resort. Time: 12:50 p.m.
Life got relaxing after that. A gentle, disembodied voice checked me in via intercom — I’d picked this resort because everything was outdoors and contact-free. I waded into my private pool overlooking the lake. Soothing music played, the ethereal-sounding kind where the songs had no beginning or end, they just faded into each other on a loop. I watched duckies float by on the pool, carefree —
Afterwards I took a serene walk through Truth or Consequences. I sat in a peaceful park and ate my banana. Then I drove back leisurely, singing in the sun while eating gummy bears —
My mental calm fizzled as soon as I opened the door to my apartment. Someone had strewn an entire suitcaseful of stuff across the floor! The bed was an unmade mass topped with a chocolate-smeared laptop! Half-full cans of sparkling water were on the nightstand, the table, the floor! All the dishes were dirty!
A sudden lethargy overcame me. I fell into bed and took a long nap.
I woke up around 9 p.m., groggy and discombobulated, wondering — is this morning? Then I went back to sleep.
Thursday morning, I woke up at 6 a.m. As is my character, I mediated, journaled, breakfasted on toast with peanut butter like a normal person. I wrote from 8 am to 11 a.m. In the afternoon I showed up at the appointed time for a Zoom job interview at one company, a second at another.
“Tell me about yourself,” my interlocutors asked, and I said a lot of things about myself that were very different from the person I’d been the day before.
So now — tell me about you. What have you been up to?
Love,
Siel
Three links you might love
"The crazy girls are the ones that won’t disappear." I've got new tiny fiction — called “Quiet” — in Hobart. It’s a little violent, so I think you’ll like it.
Did you know you can do a writing residency in Truth or Consequences? I learned this via a wistful essay — also called “Truth or Consequences” — by the late writer Amelia Blanquera (with an intro by Lisa Ko) in Literary Hub. The residency is the Starry Night Residency Program.
Perhaps the best-known novel about New Mexico is Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo Anaya, who died last year at age 82. The novel was banned in a number of states, as NY Times notes: “In 2012, the state of Arizona forced teachers in Tucson to ban the book and dismantle Mexican-American studies programs, part of a nativist push to curb immigration and limit the influence of Latinos.” I recently read it.
